long ago in ancient india
a woman named sita
decided to get married
the goddess that she was
she set all her fears aside
and decided to find a man
that she could turn into a god
when asked how she would make the choice
find the sleeping god in a man’s heart
she fell to the ground, crippled
by the fear of choosing the wrong man
seeing a god that never was
worse than staying alone
would be to choose an unworthy man
such deep were her worries
and such great a responsibility
that of finding a god for all men
not just for today but for centuries to come
for she knew even as a kid
when the goddess in her was only beginning to rise
that her name was going to outlive her body
and she needed to find a name to go with it
who would she give her powers to
and who would match upto her powers
and give her back his powers in equal measure
so no one is left empty
and both are fully filled
she lost all sleep and appetite
nothing and no one was more important
than the thoughts running through her head
how would she know
how would she decide
were bodies of would-be gods marked
she wanted to ask for help
but who, who could possibly help her
identify a worthy god
it had to be another goddess
someone who had already made that choice
seen something in a man that even he missed
the potential to match her godliness
she couldnt sit around and do nothing
so she set out on a journey, a pilgrimage
to learn to find god
one fine day, setting all her fears aside
she left her house and started walking north
days turned into nights into weeks and months
back home her family prayed for her well being
while she prayed to find a goddess
to eventually help her find a god
she fell silent vowing to only speak once she found her goddess
in her travels, she overheard the story of a woman named parvati
the goddess who called the mountains her home
such was her divinity, sita was told, that she lived on no food and no water
for almost a year while living on the foot of himalaya
why she asked why did she put herself through this to prove what
she wanted to prove to the world that she had found her match
even if he was a wandering mountain mystic
with no family and no home but the whole universe to call his own
who was this man she followed into asceticism sita asked
they say he is a god in the form of a human
could speak to the wildest of beasts and tame them within seconds
make them his devotee with just a smile
sita was mesmerised
listening to the stories of shiva
quietly impressed by his godliness
and deeply jealous of parvati’s eye for greatness
sita was now obsessed
she had to see this god for herself
.
many days and many more sleepless nights later
sita finally saw the snow white mountains on the horizon
her epic journey finally had a destination visible
she decided to celebrated this moment and rested by a water pond
but she was not alone
a woman appeared to be bathing in the pond caught her eye
long black tresses disappearing into the water behind her
firm but slender shoulders held her body straight
even as she seemed lost in trance
eyes half closed hands raised in a namaskara above her head
a half smile on her soft but radiant face
the whole world turned pink when sita set her eyes on parvati
light seemed to shine from every inch of parvati’s body
both above and underneath the water
sita never made it to the pond
and after what seemed like an eternity
when parvati finally opened her eyes
she turned to look at sita first thing
‘are you lost, my dear?’
sita only saw two beautiful lips moving
words dint reach her ears
they were busy listening to the universe
‘is it her? the one he loves?’
‘yes it is her‘, universe said
sita instantly felt conscious of her self
she was nothing like sita had imagined her to be
a year of penance should have hardened her
but she was softer than clouds like a wild flower
‘he has to be a tender man’
watching her walk out of the water
only to leave traces of her light behind in the dark waters
‘you maybe tresspassing so at least say something?’
sita was jolted out of her thoughts
‘i’m sorry but you’re so beautiful, i forgot who…what’
parvati laughed and sita trembled with the rhythms
‘you’re sweet, too sweet i say. what’s your name?’
‘i am sita..they call me janakaputri’
‘oh i know you, aren’t you getting married soon?’
‘what..how did you know?’
‘living in the wilderness doesn’t mean i don’t know what’s happening in the world’
‘i’m sorry i dint mean to say that’
‘ohh dont you worry i was just trying to get you out of this trance you seem to be in’
‘it’s you, all your fault’
‘you’re something you know’
the two women shared a long moment of silence
sita was covered all over in goosebumps
‘so you dont want to get married? do you like someone else?’
‘oh no no…quite the opposite actually. i ran to find someone i like’
‘what? i dont get it. aren’t you getting a swayamvar? choose one from those who arrive’
‘well that’s just it. i dont know how to choose. how does someone choose…how did you do it?’
‘well i just knew it in my stomach, heart all over my body. for me just the name was enough. i ran away too you know…’
‘i know…but completely different circumstances. i wish i ran the way you did…towards a man of my choice…fight the world for him…i want to fight the world…if only i can find someone to fight the world for…’
‘oh you poor girl…you’ll find him..you’ll just know’
‘but how…’
‘let’s start with the men you already like and respect. is there someone who you adore the most?’
your husband
‘i dont know im too embarrassed to say’
‘what? why? we dont even know each other. you can tell me. you can trust me…’
‘the only person that ever came close to my heart…was your husband devi…’
is she angry…is she upset…does she hate me…oh i cant watch
parvati burst out laughing
‘you too?!’
‘you’re not angry?’
‘what? why? not at all you’re not the only one i must say. my husband has many admirers…some not so silent ones too if you know what i mean’
‘yes, i heard from those people who told me about…him’
‘look at you all red just mentioning him. wow, who would have thought…’
sita raised her eyes finally to look at parvati square in the face
‘well i cant let you have him. worked too hard for that one. almost gave my life. also he is mine…’
‘i dint mean to…i am so sorry…this is so embarrassing…’
parvati giggled, ‘you’re so easy to scare…no wonder you ran away even without a man to run to’
sita went back to staring at her toes
‘well if you are so scared, i have an idea. you say my husband qualifies your standards? so then it is simple isnt it? your to-be-husband needs to outdo him to win your heart’
‘but that’s impossible. who can possibly win against him‘
‘well that is how you find your him. and who knows i might just be as swooned by yours as you are by mine?’
parvati burst into laughter again even as sita squirmed in her place
‘there is only one problem. how will we arrange a fight with him? isnt he deep in meditation?’
‘oh you will need so many fights before you decide on the one. you do realise it wont be easy finding someone to match, forget surpassing, him’
‘i do’
‘you need something that represents his mighty strength which would reveal a mighty character necessary in a god’
‘how did you know i was looking for a god…’
‘you are looking for a god. how else do you explain your attraction to my god?’
sita looked at parvati stunned
‘what’s your plan then?’
‘shiva was a warrior you know. he only breaks his meditation to either make love to me or to fight. they are the only two things dearest to him in this material world’
more goosebumps
‘he says to me, ‘my dear, this bow and arrow are symbolic of us and our love. the way our love balances each other out the bow and arrow balance each other out.’ he says i am like the bow and he the arrow’
parvati laughs and sita is more perplexed than ever.
‘he says only a real man would truly appreciate that a good bow is more important than the most powerful arrows. that’s how we find a man for you. a man who can carry the weight of a well-built bow on his shoulders’
‘oh. alright. except where do i find such a bow?’
‘i make you one. i will use one of shiva’s older bows. they are quite massive as it is. i will stiffen it a bit so it doesnt bend easily to be stringed. whoever manages to lift this bow and string it will be your man’
‘i cant thank you enough devi…you saved me. i just have one question. why do you want to stiffen it?’
‘dont worry a good archer knows how to loosen a stiff bow. if you know what i mean…’
sita nodded with no idea what parvati was saying
‘i will wait for your bow devi’
sita bowed with folded hands
‘i hope you too find me someone worth crushing on!’
sita went red again
‘im so sorry devi i dint..i would never..i am so so sorry’
‘oh you are so easy to scare it is so fun. i will pray your husband finds ways to reduce your fears. soften your bow with his warmth when you stiffen out of fear?’
parvati smiled and sita smiled too but with eyes set on her own toes.
‘you must go now. you dont want to be late for this. i have a lot to prepare for. go on now…see you with your husband next time’
sita was on her knees already
‘i am indebted to you’
‘oh not at all…just find a man worthy of becoming a god so i know you wont come after mine. be happy devi! i bow down to you!’
‘and i to you!’
.
sita opened her eyes
she was lying in her bed
startled she looked out the window
the snow white mountains were no longer on the horizon
she was in her bedroom
it was a little after noon
but she had woken up with a resolve
there was an old bow somewhere in the palace
an ancestral heritage handed down from generations to her father
they say it belonged to lord shiva himself
‘yes, that’s the one. i want the pinaka to be the challenge at my wedding’
a resolute sita told her father
‘if you dont want to get married just say it. why are you coming up with such elaborate excuses?’
‘what? this is not an excuse. i want to get married. i cant wait to find a husband but i need him to face this challenge. i cant just marry anyone father’
‘but who can string lord shiva’s bow my darling daught?! are you waiting for shiva himself to come down and string it? because that is the only way this is happening!’
‘please father. this is the way. please dont challenge me on this. i will fight you and the rest of the world if needed. this is about my life and the man i will call mine for the rest of my life. i absolutely need him to meet this challenge, please’
‘i cannot..i don’t’
‘let her do it king janaka. it is her life and it is her destiny. you cant let your fears get in the way’
sita and janaka turned to see parashurama entering their chamber
‘this bow has gone too long without a string. it needs to find a string now. it’s time.’
parashurama’s voice had a strange seriousness to it. sita could sense this was no longer just about her marriage. but what…?
…
growing up, i always felt the burden of choices. i seemed to have a hard time than most at deciding and choosing things. when i came of age and first realised i had to choose a man for myself, my whole body shivered like i never imagined it could. i immediately set aside all my fears of disbalancing my life’s work with thoughts of marriage and started to teach myself what to choose in men. i read books, watched movies, consulted friends and old timers. dared to meet guys, go out with them, actually discuss a romantic relationship with boys for the first time in my life without any lingering guilt of ignoring my studies or not being responsible towards my family. i remain on this path a decade later. i still am as clueless as i was then, if not more, about finding a man. there were many heartbreaks, some brutal, one particular life-threatening.
the story of sita and how she chose her husband has been with me ever since i was a kid. i grew up among people who called her a devi, recited her name with her husband’s like doing so would save their lives, spare them for their sins, relieve them of their pain and bring the happiness of spiritual union into their miserable lives. but today i look back at the young woman before she met her man and they became the gods. how did she find him? why did she want her husband to be able to string a bow that belonged to another god? why this particular god? and i overlay my obsessive behaviors in a one sided relationship where i know the guy is not right for me but i still cannot get over him move on from him and i am forced to delude myself to think maybe there is another form of the goddess in me that is right for him. and maybe just maybe there is another form of the god in him that is right for me…so i dont have to move on from him completely – which has proved to be nearly impossible – and so i can remember him still but with a little less pain this time…
.
this is for all the women out there. you are goddesses in your own right. and the men in your life are here to serve you. when faced with sticky relationships, where you find yourself unable to move on from a man, i hope this little creation of mine will give you perspective, a way out.
love,
ss
The Stoned Storyteller 